Online Safety for kids

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4 feels too young to be having conversations around online safety- especially around the things we worry about the most- leaked images, strangers online, and fundamental changes to the brain through continued use of screen and certain apps (most of which are designed to keep you on the app).

Yet, a recent study found that 98% of 2 year olds are exposed to screens on a daily basis.

Also that the extended screen time has a detrimental impact on their language and response skills.

Most people get to this point and think- right it should be banned.

Yes and no.

For most parents (especially where both parents are working and balancing life), screens are a short term break to take a quick sanity break from the intense onslaught that is parenting a toddler/ little child.

I get you. I’ve been there.

I also worry daily whether I’m doing the right thing by just giving into screens.

Let’s reframe this

The internet is like a town.

A parent said this to me today while talking about online safety for kids. This is my new favourite way of framing our comfort with the internet, and you’ll see below why.

If you let this concept sit for a minute, it really sticks how useful this analogy can be, in terms of describing the 'internet'.

✅ Some of us are ok with our kids going down the road, but not with crossings.

✅ Some of us are ok with our kids cycling into town with their friends after school.

✅ Some of us think they should only be going out when we're on the driver's seat.

Each of these choices are made by the parent based on their own self, their kids, and the town they're living in, or how safe we perceive our local town to be.

Just like that, we all have different ways of approaching our kids' use of screens, social media, and the internet.

Some of us see screens as a necessary evil you can handle as long as you're there with them.

Others avoid it like hot coal.

I don't believe in blanket ban, and having moved into tech after being a linguist and bookworm for my early life, I know the leverage that comes with having 10+ years using the tool you'll need to use at work on a daily basis.

For the past few weeks I've been investigating all the different ways we, as parents, are approaching online safety with their kids, and the general feeling is that a lot of us feel uninformed on the true dangers of having our kids out there online. And using the town analogy can help you get there.

I think we should all use the 'town' analogy more to:

understand our own risk tolerance towards kids and internet
take stock of how familiar we are with the dangers out there
explain in a way they can understand too

❓ How far out are you willing to let your kids' venture into the internet town?

❓ How well informed do you feel, that you know what's potentially out there?

As a mum of 2 and a Cybersecurity professional, I’d normalised conversations around online safety pretty early on with my kids.

I didn’t realise until recently that this wasn’t the case for most parents, especially if you’re not coming across the horror stories on a daily basis.

I’ve also learnt first hand, that too much detail can end up with quite scarred kids. (My little one worried about Santa peeking through windows like Orwell’s Big Brother because of the Santa’s naughty/nice list conversation, so maybe it’s me…).

Below are some practical ways to approach your kids’ interactions with the internet in an age appropriate way. I’ve tried to split these, so do check by age.

How to approach it (age by age)

Design the environment before you teach rules (ages 4+)

What to do

Screens stay in shared spaces (living room, kitchen).
No bedrooms. Ever.
This alone removes ~70% of risk.
Use one main device per child, not “borrowed” phones.
This helps everyone maintain ownership, see usage, and avoid the arguments about who’s turn is it (if you have 2+ kids)
Teach them to set + remember passwords (I've had to change some because my little one wanted to show she remebered while in public)
Physically end sessions (put the tablet away), not “just one more”.
Have a family charging station (extension cable/port in the shared space)
All devices get plugged in so you can see them put away from the bed

Why it works

Children under ~9 lack impulse control.

If the environment allows infinite access, rules won’t hold.

TBH I find my 13 yo also seem to lack impulse control, so it’s super helpful to avoid the late night doomscrolling on youtube shorts

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Start with habits, not “online safety talks” (ages 4–7)

The 3 rules they can actually remember

“Ask first” (before downloading, clicking, chatting)
“If it feels weird, stop”
“Tell a grown-up - you’ll never get in trouble”

Repeat these weekly. Casually. Forever.

Language matters

❌ “Strangers are dangerous” can land us with the traumatised and fearful kids who ask a lot of questions that are frankly quite difficult to answer without going into the rabbit hole (I’ve been there, trust me).

✅ “Some people aren’t who they say they are - adults help check”

This encourages more curiosity but less negative and more neutral conversations around online behaviours, without making them feel afraid, or weird.

Fear shuts kids down.

Calm curiosity keeps them talking.

Use tech controls quietly (ages 4–10)

Minimum set up

Age-appropriate profiles (YouTube Kids / child accounts)
App installs require approval + your authorisation (password, 2FA)
Time limits by routine, not punishment (gives healthy attitudes to boundaries)
(e.g. “Screens off after dinner” > “You lost your iPad”)

When talking about these controls, frame these not as monitoring tools, but rather as guardrails to help.

“These help me do my job as your parent.”

Kids accept safety.

Teach pattern recognition, not scary scenarios (ages 6–10)

What to teach instead of “don’t click”

Ads try to rush you
Games try to trick you into spending
Messages that say “don’t tell” are a red flag
“Free” usually costs something
‘Accept’ usually comes with terms

Use real examples together, briefly, then move on.

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A good exercise I did with my 5yo was to show her as I downloaded an app, the process around install, the data sharing that came with ‘accept’. There were 300+ vendors on just one app, where consent was used as a legal basis for sharing data by the app developer with 300+ other companies.

It was a game for 4-7 year olds.

We talked about the type of stuff they might share (what game you clicked on, where you spent the longest, where you clicked on after you closed the app, your name, etc.).

Now she asks when she wants a game, we look at it together, untick all the consent boxes together, and then use the game for the first 10 mins to see if it has too many ads, or other red flags.

Normalise mistakes early (and loudly)

Say this explicitly, often

“If you see something scary or make a mistake, I care more about helping you than being cross. You can always talk to me.”

Why this matters:

Shame = silence
Silence = risk
Trust = early warning system

Most serious online harm escalates because the child didn’t tell anyone.

When children feel they’re unable to talk to their parents or trusted adults, this is when we’ve lost. Most serious cases over suicides in children due to cyberbullying and blackmail occurred where the victims were too afraid, too ashamed, to go to their parents for help.

This is the one I worry about the most. So we have set ourselves a rule that if either of my kids did something they thing I’d definitely be mad about, they can still invoke the rule of “Promise you won’t be mad if I tell you”. this instantly puts me in a listening mode, and I make sure I don’t react in any negative way because they did the brave thing of coming to talk to me. I always sit at their level, cuddle next to them, and set a non-confrontational setting so that neither of us feel a stress response.

Introduce “co-use” before independence (ages 7–11)

What co-use looks like

Sit with them for the first 10 - 15 minutes
Ask neutral questions:
- “Why do people like this?”
- “How do they make money?”
Leave once you’ve calibrated the content

You’re teaching judgement, not policing.

When they’re aware, that ads, sponsorships, and ‘like and subscribe’ are all about money, they can start differentiating the motives behind the videos, and start thinking more critically about why people are asking/behaving in the way they are. Helping them understand that shows that have kids (like youtube families’ vlogs) etc. are still a very staged version of events is helpful in separating reality from what they see on the screen.

Prepare for social features before they arrive (ages 8+)

Pre-emptive rules

No private messaging without permission
No voice chat with people you don’t know offline
No photos, names, school, or location ever
Online gaming happens only ever in shared spaces

Say this before they ask for Roblox, Fortnite, Discord, etc. This way they’re already aware of the rules when being handed this added extra.

I’ve also made sure any gaming consoles stay in shared spaces, so that there’s someone usually around when they’re gaming- and the adults can see and hear what’s going on. This helps them also switch off when their time is up, and switch into family dinner/movie/game mode when it’s switched off.

Gradually trade control for responsibility (ages 9–12)

Letting the rope unwind, at your pace

More freedom ↔ more transparency. As uncle Ben says, with more power comes more responsibility.
Fewer controls ↔ stronger check-ins. Expect people to walk in. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want to be caught doing
Independence is earned, not age-based. If the fundamental contract, and their agreement is broken, the devices might go away.

This mirrors real life and builds internal regulation.

With my teenager, we have agreed that:

He’ll only game during the allocated time after school, for up to 2h max, given he’s
Done his chores (unloading dishwasher, emptying out the laundry/dryer)
Done his homework
Done his daily duolingo (he’s driven by the streak)
Done his extra exercise I set for him (this month it’s a daily 20 mins with a GPT reasoning model to expand his critical thinking + articulation + reasoning skills)

At the end of the day, no filter, app, or monitoring tool replaces: